when i was a kid i thought by this age i’d be getting good grades and playing different sports but im sitting alone in my room writing jokes on my computer

you can try and be unique but at the end of the day we all still react the same way after we’ve just walked through a spider web

people get murdered all the time and why is it never my math teacher

im at my dumbest when i forget im watching something recorded on the dvr and i watch all the commercials

my dad never lets me drive anywhere any more because whenever he tries to relax or sit back and enjoy the ride i purposely hit every pothole and bump in the street

elect me as president and i will make going outside illegal